gothamites -- chapter 4: mind games

day 45

9:47 a.m.

thank you for calling the kane foundation counseling clinic. for english, press 1.

beep

to speak with a counselor, please press 1.

beep

if you are a new patient, please press 1.

beep

if this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1. if you are having a crisis related to an act of costumed aggression, please press 1. if you suspect that someone close to you has committed an act of costumed aggression or is planning an act of costumed aggression, please press 2. for all other calls, please leave a detailed message after the tone -- including your name, phone number and the reason you would like to schedule an appointment and someone will return your call as soon as possible.

beeeeep

hi my name isBARKING DOG and i'd like to make an appointment. just recently moved to town. looking for a new therapist. you can reach me on my cell phone at 424-74MORE BARKING DOG. thanks.

day 47

4:43 p.m.

**cellphone ring**

hello?

hi, this is andy from the kane foundation counseling clinic returning your call. how can we help you?

i'm a new patient and i'd like to make an appointment.

okay. tell me a little bit about what is bringing you to therapy.

well, i just moved to gotham. started a new job. having a hard time meeting people. just been feeling sorta depressed.

have you done therapy before?

yes.

are you on any medications?

no.

do you feel like you're a danger to yourself or anyone else?

no.

have you ever committed -- or thought about committing -- an act of costumed aggression?

snorts

sir?

oh. you're serious? no.

are you currently in crisis?

no. i just kinda want to talk to somebody.

okay, sir. well, our next available appointment is tuesday, may 1st at 7:30 a.m.

dude. that's three weeks away. you don't have anything sooner?

no sir.

sigh well is there anything later in the day? like, after 3:00?

one moment, sir.

typing...

typing...

more typing...

i have an opening on monday, june 4th at 3:30. shall i schedule that for you?

i'd like to see someone sooner than that.

inhale. slow exhale

let's do may 1st.

typing...

oh, i'm sorry, sir. looks like that's just been filled. our next available appointment is thursday, may 17 at 8 a.m.

alright. let's do it.

yes, sir. is this number the best to reach you?

yeah. it's my cell. hey, can i ask why it's so hard to get an appointment?

to be honest, we're pretty understaffed. plus we normally get hit with a big wave of new patients after a batman day. i'm surprised that's not why you're calling.

would it be easier to get an appointment if i were?

it used to be. not anymore. we've got more counselors for c.a. patients...

c.a.?

costumed aggression. anyway, we've got more counselors who work with c.a. patients. but we've also got a lot more c.a. patients.

how long is the wait between sessions?

for folks like you? you're not in any crisis, so right now, the average is 17 days.

really?

yes, sir.

...

is there anything else i can do for you?

what if i told you i was batman?

what?

i am. i am batman. i need help. please get me your soonest appointment so i can talk about how hard it is to be batman.

sir. you are not batman.

how do you know? you don't know who batman is. i could totally be batman. i'm exhausted all day because i'm out fighting crime all night. i need help.

sir, you just told me that you only recently moved to gotham. plus everyone from gotham calls him the batman. we put "the" in front of all our costumed people. the batman. the joker. the riddler. the penguin. it's a gotham thing. the costume in metropolis is just superman. i always wanna call him the superman. anyway, that's how i know you're not the batman. you don't even know your own name.

i knew that. i am the batman. you're right. i was just confused. see? i need help. i need to talk to someone before i fire some ... the bat-missiles into a school bus.

if you really are having a crisis, i suggest calling the costumed aggressors crisic center at arkham asylum. it's an intensive, eight-week inpatient program. would you like the phone number?

silence

no. no thanks.

sir, you could always try to find another provider in your network.

you are the only provider in my network.

snicker yeah. we know.

what?

anything else i can do for you?

no.

great. we'll see you on the 17th.

**click**

i hate you, the batman.

the batman? that doesn't even make sense. god, i hate this place.