gothamites -- chapter 3: worker bee

day 4

i have officially been on the job for three hours. already...

inbox (32)

the act of being hired automatically lands you on three distribution lists. number of emails that i determine are actually for me = (2)

fr: hr@waynecorp.com
subject: batman day alert
received: yesterday 8:31a

fr: hr@waynecorp.com
subject: welcome to the wayne family!
received: yesterday 8:29a

check that. only (1) relevant email. thanks, batman.

day 7

i haven't learned everyone's name here yet. but i know martin because he stops by my desk five times a day. he has nothing to say but is very insistent about it.

“i once bet some guys $2 that i could knock myself out. they said they paid me but i don’t remember it.”

— martin, 8:47 a.m.

most of our interactions begin with him hovering over my desk.

uh...can i help you?

you the new guy?

yeah. i'm...

i'm martin. 'sup? did you see the batman chase the other night?

kinda. i was just mov...

how awesome was that? batman doesn't use the missiles very often.

this happens a lot?

batman shows up on the news at least once a month. you probably heard about the time that maniac threatened to blow up a couple of ferries. it was all over the national news. don't know why. it turned out to be a dud. nothing caught fire. we didn't even get a batman day out of it.

“don’t you hate it when a blue jay shits in your hair?”

— martin, 11:56 a.m.

things martin has told me about batman*
*accuracy not guaranteed

• independently wealthy
• 7'4", 275 lbs
• master of brazilian jiu-jitsu
• can communicate with bats
• possibly a shapeshifter

did you ever think it could be bruce wayne?

ha! the only thing that trust fund kid fights is boredom. he couldn't even keep the company running. had to turn it over to mr. fox. bruce wayne as batman?! that's a good one.

“i once used one of those spray dusters to give myself frostbite on the back of my hand.”

— martin, 4:11 p.m.

day 28

direct deposit hasn't kicked in. still getting paper checks. notice a weird deduction.

KGB - $63.63

kgb? like ... in russia? why am i paying this? wtf is going on?

human resources. this is linda.

why is part of my salary going to fund a defunct soviet security agency?

excuse me?

kgb. what is that?

sir, that is the keep gotham beautiful fund. it is a project near and dear to mr. wayne's heart.

what's it for?

it goes to fund infrastructure and cosmetic repairs after extrajudicial investigative events.

what the hell is an "extrajudicial inves..."

investigative events.

yeah. that. what is that?

stated plainly, it's a batman tax. 

can i opt out?

i'm sorry, sir. it was voted into law as a payroll tax in 2008. all businesses in gotham contribute to the fund. mr. wayne sponsored and promoted the bill.

why can't batman pay for his own damage?

batman is volunteering to put his life on the line to protect gothamites like you. he deserves our support.

what if i don't want my money going to that?

batman has a hard, scary job, sir.

no one asked him to do it.

i don't see you driving the batmobile around the city.

how do you know i don't? you don't even know who batman is.

do you support crime and lawlessness, sir?

no. i just think we should be able to questi...

sir, i'll have you know i lost a pet to supervillain violence.

oh. uh ... i'm sorry for your....

bark kent. i named him after that handsome reporter in metropolis. he loved nibbling on my rose bushes. until that terrible poison ivy woman put something in the air that made all green leaves poisonous to eat. kids loved it. they got to eat french fries instead of salad. but the poor vets were overrun with sick animals. the doctors couldn't save bark, bless his little doggy heart. but without batman it could have been a whole lot worse. do you want things to get "a whole lot worse", sir?

sigh

no. we certainly can't have it getting a whole lot worse.

you are correct. and that's why we have the kgb.

...

sir? are you still there?

*click*

it's going to get a whole lot worse, isn't it?