kolchak: the night stalker -- episode 4: the vampire
the thing about shooting a television show in los angeles is that eventually you want to show off los angeles. while carl kolchak inhabits a decidedly spooky chicago, the universal studios backlot that gave birth to kolchak's ghostly adventures is decidedly in southern california.
so for this week's episode, carl packs up his rumpled suit, grabs his ragged hat and heads to the golden state. the assignment: interview a prominent "guru" on the finer points of transcendental meditation. it's an assignment that kolchak didn't want.
or so he'd have tony vincenzo believe. in reality, kolchak has been tipped off to a series of mysterious killings stretching across the desert from las vegas leading toward los angeles. but he has to convince tony to let him go. which means it's time for..
ANNOUNCER: welcome to another edition of everyone's favorite game show...
AUDIENCE (in unison): tony vincenzo is bad at his job!
ANNOUNCER: that's right! it's the game show where we point out how carl kolchak's editor is bad at his job. what's today's example, marcas?
well mr. announcer, i'm glad you asked. it was apparent in the first episode that tony is pretty bad about how he assigns stories. he continued sending ron updyke to cover gruesome murders, despite how fully unequipped he was for the task and despite kolchak's obvious desire to follow the leads.
this week, kolchak does everything to suggest he's too busy to take a trip to the west coast. it definitely comes with a wink and a nudge, which vincenzo is apparently too blind to pick up on -- which could stand as another way at which he's bad at his job. not to mention that anyone over the age of 5 would realize that sending the wayward kolchak halfway across the country to chase a story is the height of foolishness.
meanwhile, updyke originally proposed the story, seems interested in reporting it and isn't currently working on anything else. nonetheless, tony allows himself to be goaded into arguing kolchak onto a plane. it was like watching bugs bunny argue with the gashouse gorillas.
and that was another installment of...
AUDIENCE (in unison): tony vincenzo is bad at his job!
did i mention there had been murders in the desert? because there were murders in the desert. actually "deaths". that's how the authorities were referring to them. turns out there will be deaths in los angeles as well.
catherine rawlins meets a man on the street and goes home with him. his bad. turns out ol' caty is a vampire. that's a mistake you make one time. which makes it even more unfortunate when the guy's roommate, linda cortner comes home.
pro tip: don't interrupt a feeding vampire. don't be linda cortner.
kolchak has arrived in los angeles and checks into his hotel on hollywood boulevard. he's not there very long when he hears a news report of a body found in a car in the desert near barstow. he springs into action and rushes off to find out more.
a resident of los angeles, i'm amused when shows and movies don't bother with trivial things like time, distance or traffic. under the best of circumstances, it's just under two hours to barstow. yeah, good luck with that.
(and i'm sure people in other cities are also amused with major aspects of their city are ignored or misrepresented in movies and tv shows. i know it's not exclusive to los angeles. but i don't live in your city, so ... y'know ... that.)
once on the scene, kolchak starts poking around asking questions about sunrise times and dead bodies found in cars. as is his custom, the reporter finds a local law enforcer to annoy. this one happens to sound peculiarly southern -- especially for a man who works near the california-nevada border. through his normal mode of pestering, kolchak notes that the car's windows were blacked out from the inside and starts asking questions about whether the deceased had puncture marks in the neck.
i don't know how or where kolchak got that. the only info he had been previously given was that the bodies were short a lot of blood. did he get a clandestine memo that we weren't privy to? is he just throwing darts to see what sticks? if it's the latter, he's found his patsy in the sheriff who doesn't confirm the theory. but pretty much confirms the theory. he's unaware of the mayhem that follows when you indulge a carl kolchak theory.
carl kolchak might be easily distracted from the job he's sent to do, but eventually he'll get around to doing it. in this case, his desert detour has caused him to miss his appointment with the meditation guru. instead he meets faye kruger, a real estate agent who is a friend and disciple of the guru and an erstwhile journalist with a degree from north carolina state.
the relationship between kolchak and faye can be summed up as such...
carl kolchak : tom sawyer :: faye kruger : ben rogers :: the guru story : whitewashing the fence
with that loose end tied up, kolchak is free to chase the dragon story. it doesn't take long to find a thread. a radio report of a double homicide with two apprehended suspsects sends kolchak racing off to a police briefing that he interrupts with all the grace of a marmot dropped into a bathtub.
the suspects are a pair of satanists from a group called the dark star coven and this was suspected to be a ritual killing.
i feel like fear of satanic cults was a big deal in the 70s and 80s. or maybe i'm just really stuck on tom hanks and dan aykroyd's mediocre dragnet remake.
People
Against
Goodness
And
Normalcy
but the cops aren't completely sure they have the culprits. kolchak accidentally walks in on lieutenant matteo combing through the crime scene for any clues that were missed. kolchak decides to be helpful and suggests that vampires are the cause of the problem and maybe his officers should start carrying crosses. lieutenant matteo does not find this suggestion helpful.
one annoying thing: kolchak gets many of his tips from radio reports, which fade in and out in volume. yet the reporter seems to get so much more information from these reports than we're hearing. does he catch something before the volume gets turned up? is he some kind of secret super sleuth? or is he just a semi-lucky kook?
anyway, kolchak suckers a dim-witted building super into revealing that one of the victims -- linda cortner ('memba her?) -- had a sister go missing a few years back in vegas. catherine somethingorother.
rawlins?
yep. rawlins.
after being missing and presumed dead for three years, catherine rawlins comes back to los angeles and uses her sister for food. vampirism is a cold game.
by now, kolchak is hot on the undead trail. he traces her to an escort service called grace's catering, run by a man named ichabod grace. seriously. he's a pimp named ichabod. only it's not like a pimp named slickback. you don't have to say the whole thing. you can just call him ichabod. ichabod is not a very good pimp. with minimal convincing and without any promise of financial reward or threat of physical violence, ichabod gives up catherine's whereabouts.
her whereabouts are at the home of clayton "stacker" shoemaker, star for the los angeles rams. well ... former star of the los angeles rams. now he's catherine rawlins' latest blood bag. and just as she's finishing with stacker, in walk hugo maltz and the other members of the rams' "godzilla gang". they should have read my pro tip earlier in this recap. even in 1974, the los angeles rams were taking ass whoopings.
real talk: if five members of a professional football team were found dead in a house after signs of a major struggle, it would be a pretty big story. even in 1974 without 24-hour cable networks or social meda. especially in los angeles. i feel like this was severely underplayed in the episode. as luck would have it, catherine gets away, leaving kolchak stuck in the house with all the bodies when the cops arrive. aw nuts! that prompts a call from lt. matteo to a sleeping tony vincenzo. it was like an exasperated teacher calling the parent of an unruly child. which is ironic since the actor playing lt. matteo (william daniels) went on to play exasperated teacher mr. feeny in boy meets world.
tony yells and screams and threatens to fire kolchak. we don't believe you, tony. no one believes you, tony.
kolchak was the only person found at the scene of a multiple homicide without anything resembling a plausible alibi. what does matteo do? tell kolchak he'd better skip town or else! or, i don't know, maybe you take him into custody as a suspect and investigate?
but before kolchak's la privileges are revoked, he tries to track down an address for our vampiress. he comes up with it thanks to faye's real estate connections. oh yeah, faye's still around whitewashing the fence. but instead of writing a profile of the guru, she's written a real estate listing for his house ... which she is trying to sell.
in a truly stunning turn of events, catherine rawlins apparently has a lease on file. i have so many questions.
- why did she sign a lease?
- how did she sign a lease?
- who sets a lease with a vampire?
- why did she use her real name on the lease?
- when did she sign this lease? didn't she disappear from vegas 3 years ago?
- WHY DID SHE SIGN A LEASE?
this paints a complex picture of catherine rawlins as a modern undead woman. bold enough to chase her dreams of being a vegas showgirl but uncertain enough to fall into the lap of a feckless pimp named ichabod. yet through it all liberated enough to go home with a man of her on volition on the first date and use her extra-long canines to puncture his neck and drain all of his blood for her own physical nourishment. i appreciate that she wasted no time and got down to business. i hate small talk, too. she's a woman who knows what she needs and is going after it. you've come a long way, baby.
we've reached the chase portion of the proceedings. kolchak goes to the vampire's home (at night, natch). kolchak gets chased. kolchak dispatches the fiend. this time it's with a giant cross that he sets on fire to shock-and-awe catherine.
btw, the visual of a giant burning cross? ugh.
when the cops arrive (a giant burning cross is a bit of a beacon, no?), kolchak is in front of the edifice kneeling over the prone body of a woman with a hammer in his hand and a stake through her heart.
once again, kolchak is found in an utterly compromising position with a dead body. and once again, he skates on murder charges. this time after being held for 12 hours and released without an explanation. his track record for evading major criminal prosecution is unparalleled. it's amazing. but it's okay. you can't kill something that's already dead. that's like, double jeopardy, right? whatever.
reporter's notebook
before you ask ... yep, it's still dark. los angeles is apparently no different than chicago or milwaukee.
this week's episode was taking place during a particularly hot, muggy spring in chicago. last week's was during the world series. either this is told in no particular order or we're missing large gaps of kolchak's day to day life. although this show would make a lot more sense if the monsters he chased every week were the products of an addled mind in the grip of a weeks-long ether binge. it would explain the blackouts.
they made a joke about the ins being confused with a government agency. but it was the irs. faye even makes a mention about the guru being harassed by immigration. still no connection between independent news service and the immigration and naturalization service. it was formed in 1933. it existed in 1974. was this not known? it's really bothering me, y'all.
there are times that this show reminds you that american television was different 43 years ago. the burning cross was one way. the other was the casual way kolchak's narration mocked men who "dusted their eyebrows with glitter." maybe it's watching an old show with modern eyes. it's still cringe-worthy to me.
also the unneccesary shot at the capital records building. screw you, kolchak.
why would a vampire rent a house near a giant cross known as a local landmark? seems like the kind of thing you'd check out before locking yourself into a lease.
quote of the week
"this vampire didn't come from transylvania. it came from las vegas." - kolchak
vegas, baby. vegas.
next week on kolchak: the night stalker: kolchak suspects that a werewolf may be among the passengers aboard a cruise ship.