kolchak: the night stalker -- episode 5: the werewolf
you ever have an idea for a project that seems so awesome at first but then you start to actually execute the project and you start to think that maybe your great idea wasn't so great after all? we've all been there. it's also what i'm starting to think about the creators of this show and their decision to base it in chicago.
not that there's anything wrong with chicago. i personally love the city, apart from the fact that it resembles hoth in the winter. but i get the feeling that as this show progresses, there might be more stories to be found outside the loop than first anticipated.
for a second straight week, carl kolchak is headed to the left coast for an assignment. in last week's episode, kolchak conned his way into a trip to hollywood and ultimately chased down a vampire -- or maybe just an escort who took things a little too far. this week, kolchak is hitting the high seas to cover a "swinging singles" cruise.
actually, kolchak wasn't supposed to be on this trip. it originally belonged to tony vincenzo. he had convinced "the new york office" to allow him to take a vacation under the guise of writing articles about this cruise. joke's on tony, though. "the new york office" is sending accountants to chicago to check the books. of course, the only possible time they can do this is during tony's scheduled vacation time.
the writers have to do something creative to continually get kolchak into these situations. but we're in Week 5 and already there are aborted vacation plans with no one left to pick up the pieces but the reporter who can't be trusted to go to the corner store without conjuring up fanciful tales of ghouls, goblins and things that lurk in the dark.
this episode presented an interesting conundrum in the "tony vincenzo is bad at his job" theory. tony is hesitant to send kolchak on this mission. i'd like to think it's because he knows that he's going to get some wackadoo story coming across the teletype. but it's probably just because he's jealous of kolchak getting to go on a trip that was meant for him. i want to believe in you, tony, but you've let me down so many times before.
tony asks ron updyke if he's available to make the trip. updyke begs off saying he needs to see a doctor because he's feeling ill and that boats make him seasick. not a surprise since ron uptight showed us his weak constitution in episode 1. ron updyke is a man with a confounding combination of arrogance and ignorance piled atop an astounding lack of self-awareness that is truly gobsmacking in its sincerity. we all know ron updyke. we all shun ron updyke.
did i mention there were deaths? because there are deaths.
in montana, at the rockwell family farm a few weeks back, there was an incident. the rockwells were found strewn about the place in a general state of dead. according to the officials, the rockwells were done in by a wolf. which is weird since no wolves had been spotted in the area since 1948. also (according to kolchak), there were no reports of wolf attacks in the recorded history of north america.
- fake news. there have been recorded wolf attacks in north america. just not many.
- i wrote that whole previous paragraph and didn't make a somebody's watching me joke. i'm proud of me. you should watch this.
meanwhile on the boat...
kolchak is bunking with an amalgam of hair, teeth, pheromones and triple sec named mel tarter. i hate mel tarter. when he speaks, my inner monolgue is screaming at him to shut up. he's a smarmy larry dallas. in a smarm-off between mel tarter and larry dallas, larry finishes third. anyway, mel and his boat babe, wendy, introduce kolchak to paula griffin. which might be the only useful thing they do in this episode.
later in the ep, we learn that mel and wendy were previously married for 10 years but are currently divorced. they meet up on this cruise, presumably to drink and bone each other. in my mind, they're the inspiration for the pina colada song. which is a really messed up song. i mean, the couple in the song laughs about unwittingly meet each other on a secret rendezvous. but let's not ignore the fact that they were both willing to cheat on each other. the '70s were weird.
not everyone on board is care- or disease-free. mr. bernhardt stieglitz (yes, that's eric braeden) is a serious sort with a serious looking wound wrapped on one arm. which is probably why he growled at george, the ship's assistant purser, about a need for privacy. although it could just as much have been about stieglitz not trusting the looks of george. which is probably a good call.
you know what's not a good call? being a woman and walking alone on an episode of kolchak: the night stalker. studies have shown that it usually doesn't end well. such was the case with lois prysock who was attacked by a man in a ski mask creature, who sprung from out of the dark.
everyone else was oblivious to this, including kolchak who was making the acquaintance of the loquacious ms paula griffin. despite her apparent allergy to silence, she turns out to be pretty endearing. she's fun enough to indulge kolchak in his weirdness but not so indulging as to take it as anything more than a farce. if this show had actually made it, she would have been a great weekly foil to adventure along with him. alas.
the man in the ski mask creature is still at it, this time taking down sailors on the bridge and sparking a minor emergency among the ship's crew. but ship really gets real when the man in the ski mask creature wrecks shop on some horny couples from indiana looking to get their kicks in an empty swimming pool. which doesn't really seem all that fun to begin with. it seems less fun when you're getting tossed about by an extremely angry, hirsute gentleman in a three-piece christian dior suit.
not only is the creature super strong but he's also a master of parkour, like jack the ripper in episode 1. which made me wonder ... did the wolfman and jack train at the same gym? were they seen together by a small, gruff-voiced child who would grow up to be a well-known disc jockey and eventually use that lasting memory to create the on-air handle that would make him famous? the world may never know.
crew members arrive on the scene with kolchak nipping at their heels, snapping pictures. when what to their wondering eyes should appear but a well-dressed man in a ski mask creature who's instilling much fear. he blows through the crew, tossing one of them into kolchak and knocking out the reporter. kolchak is hauled off to the infirmary ... but not before the crew steals the film from his camera.
when kolchak comes to, he hears a serious conversation happening on the other side of the curtain. the very serious bernhardt stieglitz is having serious symptoms and needs serious drugs. seriously, this whole conversation was intense. which leads me to a few observations...
- why is he on this cruise? he might be single but he's definitely not swingin'.
- he has some really serious symptoms.
- it slips that he had recently been stationed at a nato camp -- so he decided to bail and go on vacay?
- he's really not well.
- he's trying to get experimental treatment for an unknown ailment on a cruise ship.
- stop me if you've heard this one: this guy is really unhealthy.
dear reader, i am absolutely, positively sure that you will 100% be not surprised when i tell you that in short order, the doctor's cabinet will be raided and the good stuff will be gone. you will also not be shocked to learn that bernhardt stieglitz is now shooting up in his cabin. that attempt at beaming up to the cloud would not be enough to subdue mr. stieglitz. in addition, he would chain his own hands and wrists. apparently it was okay in the mid-'70s to bring a suitcase filled with heavy chains onto a cruise ship. those singles cruises must have been wild.
by now, kolchak's abandoned all other reporting to go monster hunting. thanks to some quality background work by paula, she overheard some italian crew members talking about a wolf man. with a little added deep research by paula, we get a timeline of recent wolf-related mutilations. there were the rockwells (still in various states of dead) exactly one month before things went sideways on this boat. but one month before that, a wolf reportedly went snacking on a six-man nato team in greenland. it seems that five was his limit on human jerky because one man got away. allegedly.
this was all the confirmation our intrepid reporter needed. it was time to spring into action. silver bullets! but first ... silver! that's a problem: the only silver on the boat are the buttons on the captain's dress coats. which seems like something that wouldn't be true in real life. but what do i know? i write about fake football for a living.
continuing in his tradition as the world's worst burglar, kolchak snags the buttons but is discovered before he can make his escape. he uses the confrontation to explain his werewolf theory to captain wells. captain wells isn't really feeling it.
props to captain wells for one thing -- he actually put a little fear in kolchak. something the chicago p.d. can never accomplish. perhaps if the c.p.d. had the threat of keelhauling or throwing people in irons ... though they may have already had the latter.
kolchak gets to work on making silver bullets. somewhere along the way, he's acquired a shotgun with shells, and smelting equipment. if i'm going to be stranded at sea, it would have to be on this ship that either has the largest and most diverse cargo hold ever ... or it has a genie.
the final act of the episode isn't much for words. it's mostly kolchak skulking around the set of an empty ship, looking around cautiously while being surreptitiously followed by a fuzzy shadow. finally, the reporter and the monster come face-to-face. shots are fired. people are chased and kolchak falls over a railing just barely able to hang on to prevent plunging into the depths of the pacific. somehow he finds the strength to pull Ol' Wolfie over the side and into the drink.
there's a cover-up because of course. the ship was making its final voyage and was summarily dismantled, removing all evidence. any surviving victims of attack were sent to switzerland for experimental treatments. and bernhardt stieglitz was erased from the annals of history. it seems as though they have top men working on it.
it's a second trip to the west coast for kolchak and a second foiled attempt at collecting a great story. but sure as the sun sets in the west, our man will cause menace again soon.
reporter's notebook
the timeline of this show continues to make no sense. two weeks ago, chicago was gripped by world series fever. last week, it was an unseasonably warm spring. this week ... christmas. so far the time of year really hasn't had anything to do with the stories which makes this jumbled timeline even more confusing.
a darkened cruise ship is still brighter than any american big city street in 1974.
a nebbish is upset that kolchak cuts in on a dance with paula after he spent $1.80 on a mai tai for her. come for the delusional entitlement. stay for the $1.80 mai tais. for real. $1.80? that's insane.
losing a contact lens is the perfect ruse to get a ship's officer to leave his important post unattended.
let's talk about wolfie's mask. i understand that this show probably didn't have much of a budget but they couldn't do any better than a fifth-grade costume. i suspect there was only enough to rent just a mask and some gloves, which is why he was so well-dressed the whole time. you're telling me he morphed into a blood-thirsty killing machine yet never ripped his clothes? okay then.
quote of the week
"getting spliced isn't the object of this cruise. getting your chimes rung, is." - mel tarter
what are you even talking about? shut up, mel. i hate you.
next week on kolchak: the night stalker: kolchak struggles to save a musician from a spirit who is trying to take over his body.