kolchak: the night stalker -- episode 19: the youth killer
some of you who know me also know that my full-time, pays-the-bills gig involves writing about and speaking on fantasy foosball. as part of that gig, i end up playing in a myriad of fake football leagues. honestly more than i care to count.
12.
that was the number last year. and yes, it's as exhausting as it sounds.
anyway, in the past one of those leagues was comprised of the retired athletes now stashing paychecks as sports cable network talking heads. but here's the rub ... few of them actually ran their own teams. for two seasons, i was the ghost owner of a team bearing the name of a hall of fame running back. and how many conversations did i have with said running back about his fantasy team? zero.
okay. maybe one, if we're being technical. he once emailed to ask when the draft was. i responded back with the date and time and asked if he was planning to draft for himself or if i should plan to be in the digital draft room. his requisite silence was all the answer i needed.
eventually, i decided that if HOF RB #1 didn't care about his fantasy team, why should i?
that's sorta how i feel about this latest episode of kolchak.
(for the record, the league disbanded because 8 of the 10 "talent" involved didn't actually take one whit of interest in their teams. *shrug*)
this leads us back to carl kolchak's haunted chicago where this week's quandary is the pursuit of everlasting youth.
as a potentially mythical thing to covet, i've always found the idea of everlasting youth and everlasting life to be pretty overrated. i've been watching this movie for 40 years now and i'm gonna be honest -- parts of it are pretty boring. eventually, we'll need to get to the closing credits. i'm not rushing it. but yeah ... it's just the way of things. why else do you think vampires are such bored, vapid jagoffs?
somewhere in the windy city, our friendly neighborhood showrunner posits, exists a greek goddess (complete with toga and accompanying shrine) who has bags under her eyes. what a travesty!
it's particularly unfortunate if your name is william cubby and you decide to go out jogging one fine chicago night because you might just suddenly age about 75 years and drop dead in the middle of a park. that's a pretty awful way to end the day. but on the plus side, ms. greek goddess doesn't have bags under her eyes anymore. so ... yay?
as for kolchak himself, he's been assigned a story on the swingin' singles scene in the chi. which (no surprise) isn't holding his interest all that much. you know what is grabbing his attention? the story of a 90-year-old man found dead in a park. because 90-year-olds dying is apparently an uncommon thing in kolchak's world.
though in this case, carl might be on to something. the body was found about four miles from anywhere (which seems kinda strange in a big city like chicago but whatevs) with no car belonging to the deceased in the area. also, there was no id anywhere that could positively um ... id the body or verify the age.
alas, tony vincenzo cares not for the plight of the elderly and presses kolchak on his swingin' singles story. that sends the reporter off to a kooky matchmaker who ignores kolchak's declaration that he's only there for a story and not to seek romance. in the end, there's an unwtting exchange of information. miss matchmaker lady gets enough info to try and find kolchak a love connection. meanwhile, he learns about the wonders of these newfangled computer matching services -- including one called max match. which apparently works even if your name isn't max. which is convenient.
guess who has bags under her eyes? that's right, it's vanna white in a bed sheet. that's bad news for her. and even worse news for cynthia tibbs, who apparently makes a habit of doing toe touches on her balcony. it's hard to do that when you rapidly age and early onset arthritis takes hold along with a nasty case of wrinkleitis. the latter is what startles ms tibbs when she sees her own reflection and it causes her to fall over the balcony railing to her death.
on the plus side, no more bags under the eyes!
does cold cream exist in kolchak's world? because it seems like buying some would be easier than whatever it is this woman is doing. just a thought.
meanwhile, kolchak is dutifully reporting his singles story which takes him to a singles apartment complex. in my mind, that meant a building full of apartments with a combined living/sleeping area that may or may not have a full kitchen. but i guess for our purposes, it means a building full of people who are not currently romantically attached. que sera sera.
good news, carl! you can procrastinate on your assignment a little bit longer because the coppers are on the premises to investigate the old woman who apparently fell to her death and landed in some of the complex's shrubbery.
under the watchful eye of the open-minded, media-friendly, "gotta hear both sides" leadership of sergeant orkin (who apparently strayed from the family pest control business), kolchak gets the blessing to inspect the crime scene and the apartment of cynthia tibbs -- one of the rooms where the body could have possibly fallen from.
of course, cynthia is nowhere to be found. but such is the life of a hot swingin' single. at least so sayeth the building manager.
but maybe she had an elderly friend or relative visiting? sure. provided that old woman didn't bring a suitcase. or clothes. and wore a full body suit at the time of her fatal fall. i mean ... stranger things have happened. the notable thing is that kolchak found a ring on the ground near the body -- which he ended up giving to the orkin man.
that's enough to send kolchak to the morgue. i mean, as a visitor. not a guest. turns out that both cubby and the old lady died of heart failure. not a big shock for old people. but enough of an intrigue that kolchak bribes his way into a box of personal effects for the deceased mr. cubby. a box that contains clothes and a glass eye. but no ring. there should be a ring, right? because multiple people wearing rings is odd?
that sends kolchak back to where cubby's body was found in an ultimately successful search for the ring. now it's off to mordor! or max match. whatever.
it turns out that the woman running the joint is helen surtees, which is easier than typing "vanna white in a toga", and at the moment she's interviewing a potential new client named lance (though his mama calls him mervin).
max match isn't interested in things like hobbies or personality or feelings. nope. you just gotta be hot. and young. that's pretty much it. the rest is negotiable. oh ... and you probably shouldn't lie on your application, either.
once we get past those pesky obstacles, helen offers you this laurel and hearty handshake a scroll and a ring as a sign of ... i don't know, your fealty to this computerized matchmaking service that you'll probably stick with based simply on the fact that you're likely paying them a lot of money. but here, enjoy this gift with purchase!
too bad poor lancemervin won't get to enjoy it that long. he's headed out to a date that night but has no idea that VWiaT (vanna white in a toga) is staring him down and praying to the moon. that's no bueno. poor ol' lancemervin barely makes it across the street before The Oldening starts to happen. it's all lancemervin can do to make it to a park bench and die.
lancemervin shouldn't have made a date on a night helen had bags under her eyes. but on the plus side, the bags are gone now.
somewhere in the interim, sgt. orkin has decided that kolchak -- whom he once thought was a good now -- is a bad guy. just like that. only the one interaction. and just flipped 18 degrees. mostly on the word of other cops. whom he had heard from before when he decided to keep an open mind. it's making my brain itch. moving on.
kolchak talks his way into cynthia tibbs' apartment. she's still m.i.a., though the building manager doesn't seem all that concerned. whatevs. anyway, kolchak finds a scroll from max match in the place. similar to the match scroll he found when he snuck into william cubby's apartment with a stolen key.
that's enough to get carl through max match's doors. where he's roundly ignored since he is neither young nor hot. ever persistent, he finagles his way into helen surtees' office where she ever so politely tells him to gtfo.
alas, kolchak has latched on to this like a rusty vise grip. he's investigated the company and turns out that it's sorta fly-by-night-when-it's-convenient-to-pray-to-the-moon-and-turn-people-old-to-remove-bags-from-your-eyes. appeared out of nowhere. not around very long. no other franchises. which could make it a dispensary.
carl does some of his best investigating at night, so why wouldn't he sneak in and spy upon helen praying to the moon? i can't come up with a good reason why not. but renee michelle probably can. if she weren't busy dying of old in her sleep somewhere across town.
kolchak escapes without any real incident with a tape recording of helen praying. so he goes where anyone would go when needing to learn about ancient greek mythology ... a cab driver. apparently, this cabbie was a college humanities professor. it also sounds like he got a little creepy with some of the co-eds. which is probably why he's driving a cab.
according to cabbie calloway, the gods demand sacrifices from their subjects and the sacrifices must be perfect. it just so happens that this particular subject is ...
wait for it...
are you ready?
you're not ready....
helen of troy.
wut?
yep. helen of troy. daughter of zeus. wife of paris. the face that launched a thousand ships.
so to review. a 4,000-year-old woman is running a dating service in chicago by which she uses rings to mark her potential prey and praying that the gods suck the life essence out of chicago's hot young singles in order to clean up a little fluid that gathers under her eyes. because she's not getting enough sleep. because she's up late sucking the life essence out of chicago's hot young singles in order to ... you get the point.
ol' helen made a deal for eternal youth. she just has to offer up a few folks from time to time. quid pro quo. so how do you void this deal? well, the person could make an imperfect sacrifice. or you could destroy her temple.
that last one might not work.
kolchak would have known that if he hadn't run off in such a hurry. alas, he's in helen's sanctuary tossing statues about and smashing all sorts of antiquities. which amuses helen, but certainly isn't harming her in any way.
ah. but that imperfect sacrifice thing. 'memba when kolchak found that glass eye in the box of william cubby's personal things at the morgue? (i 'memba.) well he lied about it on his application. sorry 'bout your luck, helen.
the doors burst open.
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!
RAIN! RAIN! RAIN! RAIN! RAIN! RAIN! RAIN! RAIN!
and that was pretty much it. i mean, helen screamed a lot and got wet. and kolchak ran away. but not much else really went on. aaaaand ... fade to black.
and we're back. and helen is a statue. the end.
she didn't melt. didn't get super old. just got rained on and statuefied.
there's only one more. i promise.
reporter's notebook
is "pinwheel" an insult? because orkin kept calling kolchak that. and i guess it was supposed to be offensive. but it just sounded stupid.
another week where tony makes fun of old people much to the chagrin of miss emily. this could have been an interesting bit if they allowed miss emily to fire back. or if they did it more regularly. this is episode 19. it's like the third time they've tried this bit.
helen was played by cathy lee crosby, who i remember as a kid for two reasons: 1) she was a co-star on that's incredible with fran tarkenton -- a show that featured a 5-year old tiger woods; and 2) because i always somehow confused her with kathie lee gifford.
updyke update: ron got several lines this week. good for him. and miss emily was back. the gang was all together!
(rip monique)
quote of the week
"i'll take any chick who's on a microbiotic diet who's into tantric yoga." - max match dudebro
what will all the hipster douchebags do when they find out they're not original?
next week on kolchak: the night stalker -- kolchak fears that the creature guarding prehistoric eggs in an underground archive is responsible for the deaths of several people.