kolchak: the night stalker -- episode 1: the ripper
there are plenty of similarities in the film and television archetypes of both the private investigator and the reporter. generally, both are dogged pursuers of fact, willing to bend (or occasionally flout) the rules in order to get information. they venture into often-perilous situations against the demands of common sense or their own best interests and shine a light on people and situations that would rather be left in the dark.
also, they're usually shabby dressers.
meet carl kolchak -- a reporter for the independent news service, who is equal parts columbo and upton sinclair while being all rumpled suits, straw hats and worn shoe leather. we're introduced to him as he ruminates to himself about a pair of grisly murders that have taken place in milwaukee. why he's concerned with crime happening in a major city 90 miles away when there are likely plenty of nefarious goings-on in his own metropolis is a mystery unto itself. nonetheless...
kolchak sets up the ghastly murders with the gusto of a camp counselor telling a ghost story, in language more fitting of a vincent price flick than your typical wire service copy. i particularly giggled when kolchak ominously tells us that "debbie wanted to be successful. she should have settled for being alive."
alas, kolchak isn't actually chasing the story of the killings. he's stuck answering advice letters for the vacationing miss emily -- an assignment given him by his long-suffering editor, tony vincenzo. instead, the man charged with reporting is ron updyke (mockingly dubbed "uptight" by kolchak). updyke is everything kolchak isn't. he's timid, conservative and wholly incapable of handling anything related to reporting crime stories. he's also well-dressed.
tony vincenzo might not be as unqualified for his gig as updyke, but he doesn't fully seem up to the task. he's charmingly naive for a newsman, almost to the point of gullibility. after reading one of kolchak's attempts at answering a miss emily letter, he remarks that the response is "almost cynical." tony vincenzo would not be able to handle twitter.
one evening while driving the streets, kolchak's police scanner picks up reports of a homicide suspect seen on a nearby rooftop. rushing to the scene, he spots a shadowy figure dressed in black cornered by police. a shadowy figure who can dodge bullets and apparently is a master at parkour.
i always figured jack the ripper was just really good at hiding and killing unsuspecting women. i never considered that he could be a supernatural creature. he turns into batman, leaping four stories in a daring rooftop escape. he walks away from being hit by a car going 30 miles an hour. then later summons the strength of hercules to escape "maximum security" for the short time the authorities were able to hold him. no, seriously. he broke down a giant steel door. if jack really was this amazing, the people of 19th-century london never stood a chance.
(by the way, i love the fight scenes. they're just as hokey as any of batman's tussles but with darker costumes and poorer lighting.)
not even the most hard-boiled reporter can crack a huge story without tips. in this case, the tipster is the plucky and perky jane plumm. she's a reporter for a local tabloid paper, specializing in pulpy, lurid stories. her theory is that the legend of the original ripper has spawned "contagious psychosis", generating copycats all over the world.
kolchak holds a different theory. it's not a copycat. it's the actual jack the ripper. from london. 1888. and he's been on a worldwide killing spree ever since, taking lives in "25 major cities from vladivostok to milwaukee!" so add immortality to his list of superpowers.
btw, the jane subplot was super awkward. the first words ever spoken about her are "jane plumm is fat" before launching into a series of cheeky euphemisms and bad bits about ordering half the items on a diner menu. eventually, it becomes her defining characteristic when she is kidnapped from a city street and the nosy neighbor lady who saw it all plainly spits out "fat!" when asked what the victim looked like.
(side note: america in 1974 was a dark place. that's not a metaphor. it was literally dark. at least if this show is to be believed. it's disconcerting to notice the lack of street lights in either milwaukee or chicago. perhaps just a few well-placed lamps could decrease the amount of crime going on. just saying.)
turns out that jack the ripper is actually vincible (why don't we use that word more? like gruntled. we need to make this a thing, people). all you need to do is electrocute him. jack running into an electric fence allowed the cops to catch him the first time. and according to kolchak's theory, the original ripper has a fear of electricity because a copycat was caught and sent to the electric chair in new york in 1908. so obvi, it's the only thing that can kill him.
*thinking face emoji*
honestly, i've watched the episode twice and that's as best as i can explain it. maybe you can make more sense of it.
the only way to solve this mystery is by breaking into the alleged ripper's home and luring him to a pond rigged with a live electrical wire. because of course. if there was any doubt as to whether kolchak could have a sideline as a private investigator, the show's foley artists put that to rest immediately by crashing, clomping and squeaking him through the most inept break-in this side of the wet bandits.
once inside, he finds himself unwittingly cornered by and face-to-face with the suspect (turns out, jack the ripper looks like an off-brand version of 1980s james brolin). a clumsy chase ensues, in which kolchak stumbles upon the dead body of jane plumm.
(she deserved a better fate. in another television universe, she and barb from stranger things are best friends in the ever-after.)
kolchak lures the villain outside to his demise. the shock explodes the circuit breaker, sending the whole house up in flames. as circumstances would have it, the police drained the pond (swamp?) and found only some charred clothes while the house was reduced fully to ashes. kolchak did see his share of trouble. he was charged with arson and criminal mischief. none of which was as great as his disappointment over a chance to prove his theory and write his fantastic story.
*raises hand with a question*
so we're just not going to investigate that a man's charred clothes were found at the bottom of a pond next to a now-exploded house? that doesn't seem suspicious? okay, cool.
no good ghost story can end without a kicker. in this one we actually get a kicker. okay, it's a shoe. i just wanted to make a clever pun with the word kicker and i'm now regretting that i actually put it on the page. let's all forget that this happened.
a shoe. from a london manufacturer. of a style that had been discontinued more than 70 years ago.
oooooooOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!
or maybe it's just an old shoe. either way, our hero will continue to walk chicago's streets hopeful and undaunted, determined to get the next story. criminal charges be damned. that's journalism!
reporter's notebook
wearing tennis shoes while not doing something overtly athletic -- especially with a suit -- was considered pretty far out in 1974. watching the analysts on nfl network would blow their minds...
tony vincenzo seems like a poor manager when it comes to allocating resources. no matter how much updyke flailed at reporting the murders, vincenzo refused to hand the assignment over to his much better reporter. it doesn't take long to figure out why the independent news service was failing...
speaking of which ... independent news service. INS. i saw it and thought "immigration and naturalization service". i thought that was weird. not in a nefarious way. just like in a weird coincidental way. sorta like archer changing the name of its spy agency...
the ripper's house in the episode looked eerily familiar to me. a quick search pretty much confirmed what i believed: jack's house also belonged to the klopeks -- tom hanks' creepy neighbors in the 'burbs. both were shot on colonial street on the universal backlot. i have a weird love for that movie. of all the things hanks has done, this isn't anywhere near his mount rushmore. but it's my favorite. do not @ me...
a press pass will allow you everywhere. ron updyke saunters into an active murder scene simply by flashing his and saying "press!" as a kid, i remember thinking a press pass was a golden ticket through any door in the world. i blame television and movies...
quote of the week: "weren't you on your way to the john, updyke?" - vincenzo
gotta love a sick, contemporary literature-themed burn.
next week on kolchak: the night stalker: kolchak witnesses a murder committed by a man he swears he's seen before -- lying dead in the morgue.