before i sat down to write the recap for this episode, i heated up some taco fixins that were in my fridge. i considered also heating up some tortillas to go along with it but then i realized that while tortillas are delicious, they are merely a vessel for getting the really good stuff into your face. that's a function that can be handled even more efficiently by a fork. so i put all of the stuff into one bowl and threw it in the microwave. if you're wondering what this has to do with anything, you now know what it was like to watch the opening of episode 10.

it's apparent pretty early that there wasn't quite enough script to fill the time slot for this week's show. after the final sting of the opening theme, we're treated to more than a minute of scenic overhead shots of the city of chicago as the credits roll. no narration. just music with text popping on the screen as we enjoy video of lakeshore drive and the windy city skyline.

when we finally reach the meat of the episode, we see our man carl kolchak laid up in a hospital bed with a face that looks like a freezer burned pork chop. he's rambling something about architecture and the character of institutions. which leads us to...

a newly-minted hospital. kolchak's been sent out to cover the grand dedication ceremony -- an event that has attracted journalists galore! i mean, really, who goes to hospital openings? are you hoping to try out a bed? maybe sample some cafeteria food. i feel like most non-medical people's goal is to know as little as possible about what the inside of a hospital looks like. i'm not interested in taking a guided tour.

*ahem* it appears i'm off topic.

in the course of building the hospital a couple of indian steel workers fell to their deaths. (there were deaths!) kolchak seemed very specific that they were indian steel workers. seems like the adjective wouldn't have been necessary. unless there's something called indian steel. which i guess would just be steel from india. anyway, seems like that's an important detail.

back to the hospital opening. in the midst of a grandiose introductory statement, things really get shaking. literally. a worker down in the basement flips a couple of switches in the fuse box when a tremor hits the building, shaking the foundation, putting crack in the walls and flickering the lights all over the place. when word reaches administrators about the extent of the damage, the dog and pony show starts to wrap up. in the confusion, kolchak slips away from the crowd and follows a nurse back into the working areas. 

NOW IT'S TIME FOR "OKAY, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER..."

i understand the concept of the suspension of disbelief. i write recaps about a show with a poorly-dressed reporter who chases monsters, for crying out loud. i've also written lengthy columns about fake football, setting aside the idea that i can accurately predict the future with any real regularity. but somehow i can't get over how lackadaisical hospital security is throughout the episode. kolchak wanders around restricted areas with ease, barely bothering to hide his identity while medical staff and security people just watch him go. it's a trope of tv shows. put on a lab coat and no one asks questions. it's weird. it bothers me. let's move on.

AND THAT HAS BEEN "OKAY, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER..." WE CAN PROCEED.

kolchak makes the acquaintance of nurse eisen, who (like most people) is initially annoyed with the reporter and his questions. she tries to refer him to the hospital's pr staff but is eventually worn down -- not that it takes long. within moments, nurse eisen is persuaded to escort kolchak down to the basement. it's hot. real hot. which shouldn't make sense because the air conditioner is blowing cold air. or maybe basements just get hot in the summer. crazy thought, eh?

as kolchak and nurse eisen snoop around, things start shaking and lights start blinking and before long there's a good ol' ruckus going in the basement. the reporter and the nurse wisely bail out. 

we peek in on the offices of the independent news service where you'll be shocked to learn that tony vincenzo is displeased with carl kolchak's work. technically, he's displeased with miss emily's work. that's because kolchak gave her the story of the hospital opening, which turned into a treatise on the shabby state of elder care in chicago. which turned into tony being generally condescending to the needs of the elderly. kind of a bold statement from a guy who looks like he's already on the aarp mailing list.

editor's note: marcas has been on the aarp mailing list since he was about 30. in his defense, he has no idea how it happened. but still...

but if kolchak isn't going to write the hospital grand opening story, then could he at least cover the gangland shooting? nah. instead, kolchak goes all bugs bunny again and lets tony hubris himself into going back onto the crime reporter beat for this one night. while the boss is away, the kolchak will play.

(that was honestly terrible. i'm truly sorry for making you read that line.)

kolchak enlists the help of an architectural engineer and leads him down to the hospital basement. which sounds way creepier than it actually was. mr. architectural engineer notes the disrepair found in the basement. construction lights still set up. giant cracks in the walls. and did i mention the lights? because they go boom. that freaks out the engineer and he runs away, leaving kolchak by himself in the basement. nice guy.

that sends our man back to nurse eisen to inquire more about what's going. by now, he's primed the pump (i just made that up!) so she's willing to spill her guts about the weirdness going on. the nurse has noticed a lot of mysterious deaths. people in the hospital with all of their plasma congealed -- it can do that?! -- and all having been in contact with electrical equipment. 

the next order of investigation is talking to the crew that built the place. it leads him to a crew of indian steel workers. as in, native americans who work with steel. not construction workers who utilize steel from the subcontinent. but the steelworkers will only talk through their shaman, a man named jim elkhorn.

jim elkhorn is a definite candidate to be friends with mel tarter. which means i don't particularly like him. jim isn't super interested in talking to kolchak. mostly because he's trying to run game on some woman over the phone. of course, kolchak irritates jim enough that he blames something called matchemonedo for the deaths of his men on the last job. then it's back to phone-macking on chicks. bye kolchak!

meanwhile ... at the hospital!

claudia granoff is paralyzed, save for her right hand. a lot of good that does her when some invisible force starts fiddling with her electric hospital bed and electrocutes her. i'd like to say you had a good run, claudia. but i feel like that would be a lie.

this is enough to get kolchak's spidey sense tingling. he convinces nurse eisen that it's time to take alternative action. that alternative action means showing up at jim elkhorn's apartment unannounced. apart from the inconvenience of having strangers randomly drop in, it comes while jim is "helping" a "neighbor" with a "problem". that neighbor is the comely blonde diane. something's wrong with her toaster. or something. jim's distracted by nurse eisen. he also keeps calling kolchak "charles". he's also trying his best to wrangle himself a 3-way.

this time, kolchak gets a little more out of jim. notably that matchemonedo was an invisible entity known as "the bear god". ol' match lived on the site that eventually became lakefront hospital. back in the day, jim's tribe used to offer a sacrifice of buffalo to keep matchy in check. then he went dormant for a long time. until now.

here comes the part of the episode when the characters try to explain something about the monster and it really makes no sense and i'm not interested enough to rewind the show and try to work through it. there's talk of energy which leads to plasma, which is mostly protein, which is basically pure energy ... and electricity! got it? no? yeah, me neither. don't worry your pretty little head. we'll get through this together.

kolchak drags jim down to the hospital basement and talks him into using his shaman "powers" to try and draw out matchemonedo. which doesn't seem like a good idea. jim does a two-step when suddenly there's shaking! and sparking! and fright! in all the commotion, some plates and slides in the x-ray room are jarred loose. so kolchak decides he should just take them.

and no one stops him.

even with a doctor and nurse walking right past him as he does it.

wtf is even happening here?

since no one at the hospital seemed to care about such things, kolchak and jim go back to the office and piece together the x-rays like some sort of translucent puzzle. the final image? a giant eye. something that looks like it belongs on the side of a bitchin' '70s van. or a velvet painting.

after some deliberation, jim and carl surmise that "the bear god" only operates during the summer months. but centuries ago, his home was flooded by a chilly lake that put him in a state of perpetual hibernation. but he's back, baby! and he breathes energy. or eats it. i don't know. neither do they. anyway, thanks to the construction crew draining the lake and building a building there. way to go, guys.

jim and carl go to hospital administration to try and convince them that matchemonedo is coming and that the facility should be evacuated. it all sounds like the wild-eyed rantings of a couple of lunatics until the whole group takes a field trip down to the basement so everyone can see the rockin' and rollin' for themselves.

welp.

EVERYBODY OUT!

of course, kolchak suggests that to stop ol' matchy, they need to run liquid nitrogen into the air conditioning ducts in order to freeze him back into hibernation. our man tries to get jim to come along and see if they can't catch (or at least view) the malevolent spirit. jim (in easily his smartest moment of the episode), says hellllllll no. so kolchak grabs a couple of cameras, some infrared film and heads to the basement. 

nothing about this seems like a good idea when you already know that they'll be flooding the area with liquid nitrogen. 

i'm trying to figure out what to say about what happens next. kolchak has a camera and a fire extinguisher. he walks around alternately shooting and spraying while the liquid nitrogen cloud closes in. and then he collapses. yeah. i don't know, either.

and this is where we came in. kolchak wakes up in the hospital (not the haunted one) where tony tells him that he's suffered minor frostbite but didn't have any of his limbs amputated. lakefront hospital is being torn down to build a marina. kolchak's film was mostly ruined but he somehow got a picture of a mysterious giant eye.

i'd throw in a ***dramatic chipmunk*** but i don't have the energy. 

reporter's notebook

this episode was a lesson in condescension. there's tony mocking old people right to miss emily's face. there's also kolchak mocking one of the hostesses at the hospital opening. after reciting her speech, kolchak gives her a verbal pat on the head for remembering her spiel. it's pretty dickish.

i'm kinda sad nurse eisen didn't get to do more. sorta like paula griffin in episode 5, she could have been a nice foil to keep kolchak sorta reined in. after jim elkhorn hits on her at his apartment, we don't see her again. too bad. we'll miss ya, nurse eisen.

i wish i had more notes for you. but really this episode was about 20 minutes of story with a whole lot of tap dancing around it. so we'll just end it here and save everyone the misery.

quote of the week

"a well performed autopsy is a joy forever." - nurse eisen

that should be on a bumper sticker somewhere.

next week on kolchak: the night stalker: a creature appears to its victims as a trusted friend and leads them to their grotesque deaths.