you made it. and it wasn't nearly as bad as you feared. it's still weird though.

40.

it got here sooner than i imagined. you were scared of it. didn't know what it meant. didn't know came next. you still don't. you're still kinda scared. but it might not be so bad.

you never imagined you at 40. your only reference point was your father at 40. or better yet, you at 11. that birthday dinner in elko, nevada at the start of what still ranks as the greatest road trip of your life.

you were worried that you hadn't had the full experience by 40. not married. no kids. owned a cat once, even though it was actually your sister's. you've had doubts. you've had insecurities. at times, you've let them eat you alive.

there is no more sobering moment than when you realize that you've lost faith in everything.

there is also no more potentially transformative one.

the hard part is done. you've been deconstructed. now begins the rebuild. and it's in those terms that you realize this doesn't have to be scary. that it can be fun.

you realize that 40 isn't an ending. it isn't a deadline. it's a turning point. it's a reset.

you walked through union station and were hit with wanderlust. the thought of buying a train ticket to anywhere and leaving without telling a soul seemed awfully tempting.

freedom.

freedom to go. to do. freedom to be somewhere and nowhere at the same time. freedom to see without being seen. 

40 is freedom. the freedom to create something new. freedom to figure out who you thought you were supposed to be. then the freedom to not be him. it won't always be easy. it'll be scary sometimes.

but it'll be your freedom. and it'll be rewarding.

you made it. and it won't be nearly as bad as you feared. it's still weird though.